


the (un)sexy (mis)adventures of two not-so-straight guys and their totally-not-straight best friend

by doitsushine92



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: A Whole Mess, Crack, Crack Sex, Humour, M/M, Smut, but its crack, i feel like i cant stress this enough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 20:00:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12711942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doitsushine92/pseuds/doitsushine92
Summary: baekhyun tries to teach chanyeol and jongdae what gay sex is all about. but one sprained ankle, one bruised eye, a nosebleed, two fractured fingers and a lube disaster later, none of them have managed to get off even once.





	the (un)sexy (mis)adventures of two not-so-straight guys and their totally-not-straight best friend

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt L
> 
> Well this is a whole mess. 
> 
> There's no excuse for this and I'm sorry but hey, crack sex is always good, you know?

TRY ZERO: THE PRELUDE

“How does gay sex work?”

Are his ears deceiving him? Did Park “straight-as-a-ruler” Chanyeol just ask Byun “gayer-than-a-rainbow” Baekhyun what sex with another man feels like? God is that you?

Baekhyun plays it cool, voice neutral as he asks, “Why do you want to know?” when in reality, he’s full-on twerking in his head, doing the nae nae with imaginary Junmyeon and everything.

The three are sprawled around their shared dorm room in varying degrees of hungover-ness – Baekhyun, hiding under his blankets, only the tip of his nose visible because he’s too young to suffocate, thank you very much; Chanyeol, with his head hanging upside down because apparently it helps with the nausea; and Jongdae, the picture perfect of health and happiness and sunshine and shit, sitting on a spinning chair and going ‘wee’ every few minutes.

Technically speaking, this is Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s room, but Jongdae decided half at term ago that he is their new roommate, after Minseok forgot one too many times to lock the door and Jongdae had to see one too many times Sehun’s skinny naked ass. And since neither of them gives a crap, they let him crash between their beds on a sleeping bag.

Even if it took a while for them to grow used to his sleeping habits, such as snoring, talking and getting up to scare the living hell out of them by pointing to the door and whispering, “He’s here.”

Chanyeol shrugs. Not that Baekhyun can see him, but that’s not his problem. “Just curious.”

“I think Chanyeol is asking because he saw you and Yifan hyung getting it on last night at the party and got a partial,” Jongdae supplies helpfully.

“No, I didn’t,” Chanyeol hisses, at the same time Baekhyun goes, “You weren’t even at the party.”

“Sure I was,” Jongdae says. “You just didn’t see me. I was lurking.”

“Of course you were.”

They drop the subject then in favour of granting the two dying males the chance of throwing up everything in their stomachs and Baekhyun thinks this is the last he’ll hear of it, but not a week later, when his head is stuck in a Victorian Literature textbook and his iPod is blasting Weird Al, Jongdae asks again.

“Do you guys want to have butt sex or what?” Baekhyun asks, not expecting a serious answer.

Except Jongdae and Chanyeol look at each other and shrug, nodding their heads. 

Baekhyun smiles.

-

TRY ONE: THE NOSEBLEED INCIDENT

The first attempt goes terribly wrong. Looking back, Baekhyun should have seen this as some sort of foreshadowing, but his younger, stupid-self had too much of a hard-on to think straight (wow, not even his thoughts).

They decided to start out with something simple and non-scary, so a blowjob it is. 

“Just relax,” Baekhyun rolls his eyes, straddling Jongdae’s thighs. The younger boy is a nervous fit; his hands keep clenching and unclenching by his sides and he doesn’t seem to be physically capable of looking Baekhyun in the eye. Under any other circumstances Baekhyun would find it adorable, but this is Jongdae, so he’s exasperated at best.

Chanyeol is sitting on the edge of the bed, eyes wide as he takes in the sight, and Baekhyun kind of wants to put on a show for him – what can he say, he likes an audience. After pulling Jongdae’s sweatpants to his knees and shuffling backwards, Baekhyun sets his gaze on his dick – to find it completely flaccid.

“Jongdae, you need to get hard,” he tells him in a ‘duh’ tone. “Or else I can’t blow you.”

“You think I’ve never received head before?” Jongdae snaps. 

“Well, to be completely honest, I think you’re still a virgin.”

“Shut up asshole, I’ve had more pussy than you.”

“Like I’d want a vagina anywhere near my dick.”

“At least they’re better than butts!”

“That’s not helping,” Chanyeol points out. At least _he _doesn’t look nervous anymore, their familiar bickering calming him down.__

__Baekhyun sighs, directing his attention back to the matter at hands – Jongdae’s limp dick. He frowns, wondering if he’ll get kicked in the face._ _

__“Jongdae, I’m going to take your dick in my hand,” he warns. “Don’t kill me.”_ _

__Baekhyun waits for an affirmative before diving in. He starts off slow, wrapping slim fingers around Jongdae’s shaft and tugs, watching his friend for a reaction. Other than a sharp intake of breath, Jongdae doesn’t seem affected and Baekhyun feels mildly offended._ _

__He’s determined to make Jongdae scream, simply out of spite, and so he keeps rubbing, the cock hardening under his ministrations. Baekhyun pretends like he doesn’t notice Jongdae’s bewildered expression, as if he can’t believe he’s getting hard because of a dude – an incredibly hot one, if Baekhyun may say so himself._ _

__Once he deems him erected enough, Baekhyun lowers his head and gives a kittenish lick to the head. Almost immediately Jongdae lets out a groan of approval, his hands curling into fists. Spurred on by the – tiny, practically non-existent – reaction, Baekhyun presses a kiss to the side before taking the head in his mouth._ _

__This time, Jongdae keens, whispering one thing or another that Baekhyun can’t hear. Sinking down, Baekhyun takes what he can and sucks. He’s making his way back up, tongue swirling and licking when –_ _

__“How do you do that?”_ _

__He’s so startled he releases Jongdae immediately, throwing his head back and hitting something hard. Pain spreads through his skull and Baekhyun whines, clutching the back of his head in agony._ _

__“Goddammit Park!” he shouts, eyes tightly shut. He’s going to die; that tall idiot gave him a concussion and he’s going to die._ _

__“At least you’re not bleeding!”_ _

__Baekhyun peeks his eyes open to find that yes, he indeed is bleeding. Chanyeol has his nose carefully held between two fingers, rivers of blood trickling down over the bow of his lips to his chin, dripping on the duvet. Baekhyun’s duvet._ _

__“Be careful this blanket is hand wash only!”_ _

__Despite Jongdae’s numerous, numerous protests, they end up taking Chanyeol to the emergency room after determining that is nose _is _broken and that none of them should even attempt to fix it.___ _

____Jongdae sulks the entire way, his boner trapped in his jeans and pulsing, ignoring the curious looks he receives when they walk back to the dorm._ _ _ _

____TRY ONE: UNSUCCESFUL_ _ _ _

____-_ _ _ _

____TRY TWO: THE STITCHES OCCURRENCE_ _ _ _

____Two weeks later, as they cruise along town in Jongdae’s shitty, beat-up car, Chanyeol takes a long drag of his menthol cigarette and says, “Jongdae never got his dick sucked in the end, did he?”_ _ _ _

____“Thanks to you,” Jongdae grumbles._ _ _ _

____Baekhyun giggles from his seat in the back, legs splayed out to either side of him to take up as much space as possible. “Maybe he should make it up to you.”_ _ _ _

____“How drunk are you?” Chanyeol asks. Baekhyun giggles some more, the beer bottle dangling from his fingers._ _ _ _

____“No no, let the man talk,” Jongdae insists. “Go on Baek; tell us what’s on your mind.”_ _ _ _

____“Chanyeol should give you head,” Baekhyun laughs._ _ _ _

____Chanyeol gives him an affronted look, which turns into a bewildered expression when Jongdae hums in consideration._ _ _ _

____“Come on Channie,” Baekhyun coaxes, hiccupping. “Weren’t you interested to learn how to give a blowjob?”_ _ _ _

____“No!” he exclaims, gesturing wildly with his hands. The cigarette slips through his fingers and out the window and Chanyeol stares after it through the rear-view mirror with a pout._ _ _ _

____“Don’t worry Channie, I’ll guide you through it,” Baekhyun coos. Chanyeol shoots him a dirty look that only intensifies when Baekhyun adds, “You’re the ones who wanted to know what gay sex’s like! It makes more sense if you suck him off.”_ _ _ _

____“He’s not that drunk yet,” Jongdae muses. “He’s making sense.”_ _ _ _

____“That makes sense to you?!”_ _ _ _

____“Shut up and suck my dick Park.”_ _ _ _

____Begrudgingly and complaining the whole way down, Chanyeol unbuckles Jongdae’s belt, unbuttons and unzips his pants. Jongdae aids in getting his dick out, semi-erect and hisses when Chanyeol wraps his dry hand around it._ _ _ _

____“Careful,” he warns._ _ _ _

____With the help of Baekhyun’s constant advice – and lewd, totally uncalled for comments – Chanyeol manages to give decent head. He does as he’s told, licks and sucks at all the right moments._ _ _ _

____Jongdae, in his end of the deal, tries his best not to swerve into the other lane (Ha!) and get them all killed, although more than once he has to slow down in order to avoid instant death with his pants down and another man’s mouth on him._ _ _ _

____His parents would _not _be proud.___ _ _ _

______Suddenly, Jongdae keens, his hips bucking up and he can practically see his release._ _ _ _ _ _

______And then he hits another car._ _ _ _ _ _

______After rushing to get his pants back on and getting yelled at by the other driver, Jongdae is taken to the hospital because he’s bleeding out of his skull and he’s honestly feeling a little woozy._ _ _ _ _ _

______He didn’t get to cum this time either._ _ _ _ _ _

______TRY TWO: UNSUCCESFUL_ _ _ _ _ _

______-_ _ _ _ _ _

______TRY THREE: THE FINGERS HAPPENING_ _ _ _ _ _

______Kim Jongin throws good parties._ _ _ _ _ _

______Baekhyun usually enjoys them, but this time he’s stuck between two – sadly straight – couples making out full force and all he has for company is his red cup of loneliness and despair._ _ _ _ _ _

______And if things continue this way, his right hand later tonight._ _ _ _ _ _

______He’s briefly wondering how he’s gonna manage to jerk off with those two in the room when one of the couples leave and are replaced by Chanyeol, who looks like he’s had his fair amount of alcohol too._ _ _ _ _ _

______“Baekhyunnie,” he drawls, stingy breath hitting his face. “Come with me.”_ _ _ _ _ _

______Baekhyun doesn’t have time to ask _where the hell do you think you’re taking me you overgrown toddler _before Chanyeol is shoving him inside a closet and shutting the door close.___ _ _ _ _ _

________Again, Baekhyun can’t begin to formulate a question because suddenly Chanyeol is all over him, kissing him sloppily and groping at his sides._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Now, Baekhyun’s done this dance before with others, made out in dingy rooms with only mingled breath and boners as witnesses, but the fact that this is his best friend kind of puts a damp in the mood. Until Chanyeol presses their crotches together and Baekhyun can’t do much more than keen and surge forward._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________It’s messy and it’s rushed, it’s all head-spinning kisses and searing touches. Chanyeol lifts him up and pins him to the door for better access to his neck. Baekhyun grinds against him, desperately working towards a release that seems almost crucial in his inebriated state of mind._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The door – against which they are standing, mind you – slams open with brute force and the two of them are sent flying further inside the room. Chanyeol curses colourfully when his head hits a shelf and Baekhyun doesn’t really think much of it when he jumps down and tries to shove Lu Han’s unbelievably smug face out._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________There’s a struggle, which mostly consists of Lu Han’s boisterous laughter and Baekhyun’s wide range of go-to insults. Chanyeol sits this one out, nursing the bump in his head with a frown and a raging boner slowly dying._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And then he snaps out of it when Baekhyun gives a pained cry, the door shut – and trapping two of his fingers. Baekhyun is howling, banging on the door and shouting at Lu Han to open it again you stupid fucker._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Baekhyun won’t stop whimpering on the trek from the closet to the kitchen, Chanyeol cradling the wounded hand in his larger ones and holding it steady under the stream of tap water._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The older boy refuses to go to the medical center, convinced that the nurses know what they’re up to after the previous trips, all which have been done with tell-tale blushes and too-tight jeans. They convince a Med student who seems a little sober than most to wrap the fingers in a bandage._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They go back to their dorm room frustrated, horny and, in Baekhyun’s case, high on pain killers they scavenged from Jongin’s house._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________TRY THREE: UNSUCCESFUL_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________TRY FOUR: THE ANKLE CASE_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The swelling’s gone down. Baekhyun decides this is a call for celebration and corners his two roommates, towering over them only because they’re sitting down and he’s standing on a shoe box._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“You two go to the pharmacy and get condoms and lube,” Baekhyun orders, hands perched on his hips the way his mother used to do when she scolded him. “I’ll wait here.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Why don’t you do it?” Jongdae demands to know, voice rising in a whine._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Because I’m going to kick back, use the last that remains of my lube and… set the mood.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________The way he says ‘set the mood’ is enough to have the two boys springing up and rushing out the door. They briefly wonder when exactly they became so enthusiastic about sex with another guy, but they figure it isn’t a gay thing; it’s a Baekhyun thing._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________They’re back from the drugstore in record time and nearly barrel through the door to their room, slamming into each other when Jongdae halts in his step and Chanyeol doesn’t have time to hit the metaphorical breaks._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Fucking hell,” he complains, shoving Jongdae to the side to see what’s so interesting. His mouth shuts on its own accord._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Maybe it is a gay thing, beside of being a Baekhyun thing, because Chanyeol has never gotten hard faster in his life and he’s not even seeing Baekhyun’s face. He’s met face to three lubed-up fingers working in and out of a really round, plush ass propped up under a pillow._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Are you gonna get over here or are you two just going to stare?” Baekhyun chokes out, lifting his head to give them an incredulous look. His face is flushed, lips parted and pupils blown wide._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Chanyeol and Jongdae break out of their trance and shuffle forward excitedly, but fate definitely won’t let them get laid anytime soon because Chanyeol gets tangled on cables on the ground and lurches forward with a pained cry, sending Jongdae flying._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________There’s an exclamation, muffled cursing and a mix of laughter and anger that definitely comes from Baekhyun. Chanyeol tries to get up but pain shoots up and down his leg and concentrates on his ankle, making him groan and sit back down on his butt._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Shit,” he mumbles. “I think I sprained my ankle.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“I also think you gave Jongdae a concussion,” Baekhyun pipes up. Jongdae doesn’t say anything, but he kicks his legs and curses some more._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________When they reach the medical center in campus, the nurse sitting in the front desk looks at them like she’s thinking ‘oh look it’s the dumb guys who can’t get off because they keep injuring each other’._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Chanyeol has a sprained ankle, Jongdae has a concussion and a black eye and Baekhyun has a really great ass, if Chanyeol may say so._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jongdae agrees, later that night, sleeping on Baekhyun’s bed because the older boy took pity on him and let him trade for the night._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________TRY FOUR: UNSUCCESFUL_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________TRY FIVE: THE FINAL ATTEMPT_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Chanyeol is free to move around once more three weeks later. He celebrates so by going down to the quad near the Psych department and playing football with the guys that gather there every Wednesday afternoon. He returns to his dorm room completely sweaty and smelly, causing Baekhyun to kick him out and threaten not to let him sleep there tonight if he doesn’t shower._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________So Chanyeol goes to the showers and scrubs himself of the grime and dirt, especially the leaves he finds in his hair. It makes him wonder briefly if the perm was a good idea, but everyone’s complimented him that it looks good, especially with glasses, so he decides that a few leaves are worth it._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Back in the dorm room, Baekhyun has his head stuck in his computer and Jongdae is lounging on his sleeping bag. Chanyeol steps over him to get to his bed and lays down, prepared to take a nap when Jongdae suddenly speaks up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“We should give it one last try, and if it doesn’t work out, it means Baekhyun isn’t fated to get Chanyeol’s dick.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“When?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Right now.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________And that is how they end up a mess of limbs on Chanyeol’s bed, Baekhyun guiding them at first until he’s too overwhelmed and just lets them do what they want. Jongdae insists Baekhyun sucks them off, because he’s the only who knows how to give head and what’s sex without a little oral? Baekhyun isn’t too thrilled about having his mouth used, but one look at Chanyeol’s dick has him agreeing easily._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________So he takes the taller boy into his mouth while Jongdae preps him, detaching his lips from the shaft every once in a while to give instructions. Chanyeol is moaning in pleasure, head on the pillow and gripping Baekhyun’s hair with a hand, the other holding his nape. He chances a look down and groans at the sight of Baekhyun’s blissed out face, the older boy whining around his cock as Jongdae stretches him open._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________“Does it hurt?” Jongdae asks worriedly when he adds a second finger. This is the furthest they’ve ever gotten and he’s halfway expecting something to go wrong and ruin everything. So far so good though, and Baekhyun only nods his head and gives him a thumbs up, pushing his ass out further. It’s the hottest thing he’s seen._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________Jongdae can’t help sneaking fascinated glances at Chanyeol, his parted lips and furrowed eyebrows, looking like he’s getting the best blowjob of his life. He probably is. Jongdae thinks to himself that Chanyeol is the most handsome guy he’s met and immediately pushes the thought away because _dude, gay _.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________He’s also awestruck with the way Baekhyun is taking his fingers, his hole seemingly sucking the fingers in with eagerness. Jongdae just can’t wait to be inside him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Another one?” he asks, to make sure. Baekhyun pulls away from Chanyeol’s dick, ignoring the protests that fall from their roommate’s mouth to say, “If you want. It depends on who’s fucking me though. If it’s Chanyeol, then yes please I’d rather not be ripped apart. If it’s you, then just two should be fine.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Excuse me?!” Jongdae exclaims at the same time Chanyeol laughs loudly, slapping his knee as he howls. Baekhyun actually has the decency to look apologetic for once, placating him with, “I didn’t mean it like that! It’s just, have you seen his dick?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Whatever,” Jongdae grumbles. He’d slipped his fingers out during the exchange and he plunges them back in with vengeance, three this time, smirking at the hybrid mewl of pain and pleasure Baekhyun gives. His head falls forward and he pants into Chanyeol’s thigh, the taller one carding soothing fingers through his hair._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________When Jongdae deems him ready – though he basically just waits until his fingers are thrusting in and out without restraint – he moves Baekhyun further up until his bottom is lined with Chanyeol’s hips and, after hastily rolling a condom on his roommate, helps him line up with Chanyeol’s cock._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Baekhyun takes it with minimal protests, his hair messy and chest flushed red. Chanyeol keeps taking deep breaths as if he’s holding back, locking eyes with Jongdae that practically scream he’s died and gone to heaven. He looks thoroughly pleased, and Jongdae feels a spark of jealousy that he’s not entirely sure who it’s directed at._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The feeling dies pretty soon, Baekhyun rolling his hips expertly and riding Chanyeol like a pro. Jongdae watches with his mouth hanging open and his dick straining against his jeans. He’s thinking about jerking off to the sight of Baekhyun’s little hole taking all of Chanyeol when the older boy calls his name._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Dae,” Baekhyun gasps, hips slowing down. Except Chanyeol isn’t having any of it and starts thrusting up, large hands framing Baekhyun’s waist to keep him in place and sending the boy bouncing up and down. Baekhyun seems to forget what he was going to say until he refocuses his eyes and sees Jongdae again. “Come – ah! – here.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jongdae shuffles forward on his knees, not too sure of what Baekhyun’s going to do until his jeans are unzipped and pulled down, nimble fingers reaching into his boxers to pull his dick out. Jongdae might be smaller than Chanyeol but he’s still larger than Baekhyun, something that obviously doesn’t sit right with him because he scowls at him before taking him into his mouth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Their room is filled with the sound of skin slapping against skin and a chorus of moans, Baekhyun gagging on Jongdae’s cock because Chanyeol insists on fucking up into him wildly and it has him lurching forward every few seconds. Jongdae isn’t complaining, not when his dick hits Baekhyun’s throat and he swallows down around him, making him see stars._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Baekhyun cums first. It’s to be expected, with the way Chanyeol is fucking him, and he releases Jongdae’s cock with a high-pitched whine and moaning, riding him through his orgasm until he’s too sensitive and pulls off with a hiss. He lies down on the bed and lets Chanyeol fuck his thighs, taking Jongdae back between his lips and sucking around his head harshly until he too is releasing white stripes down his throat._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________And finally Chanyeol cums with a groan of Baekhyun’s name, slumping forward and crushing the poor boy underneath him. Jongdae doesn’t give him time to complain, falling on top of Chanyeol’s broad back and laughing loudly when Baekhyun tells them he can’t breathe you fucking fuckers._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Jongdae basks in the afterglow of his orgasm for a few minutes before he feels too sticky and gross. Baekhyun and Chanyeol seem to be thinking the same, the three shifting until they’re comfortably on the bed, tangled together and breathing each other’s air._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Guys, this is nice and all, but I’m covered in cum and that might seem great in theory but it really isn’t in practice.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Chanyeol, the one blocking Baekhyun’s way out of bed, sits up to scoot down and let him off. Jongdae hears rather than sees him slip and fall off, probably landing on his ass. “What the fuck?!”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I’ve told you Yeol, silk sheets aren’t a good idea,” Jongdae tells him._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I have never fallen off my bed because of them you idiot!” Chanyeol shoots back. “There’s lube all over my sheets.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Baekhyun turns to look at him with raised eyebrows. “You left the lube open? Do you know how expensive that shit is?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Hello?! I’m in pain here!_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________-_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Six months later sees them still fucking each other when they have the time, except now they know how to do it without going to the hospital – not even that time they tried toys and almost lost the anal beads inside Jongdae -, no one forgets to shut the lube and on their free time they go on dates that more often than not end with Baekhyun sighing exasperatedly and trying to hide the fond smiles when the other two get hit on by girls who think they’re still single – or straight, for that matter._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _


End file.
